{"id":60231,"date":"2021-10-06T07:09:46","date_gmt":"2021-10-06T06:09:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/fertilityroad.com\/?p=60231"},"modified":"2022-09-29T12:32:43","modified_gmt":"2022-09-29T11:32:43","slug":"the-path-to-and-through-infertility-counselling","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fertilityroad.com\/da\/fertility-360\/the-path-to-and-through-infertility-counselling\/","title":{"rendered":"Vejen til og gennem infertilitetsr\u00e5dgivning"},"content":{"rendered":"

I have just attended a fantastic two day Foundation Course for Infertility Counselling CPCAB Accredited (Counselling and Psychotherapy Central Awarding Body).  This was run by the British Infertility Counselling Association (BICA). BICA is a registered charity and the only professional infertility counselling Association recognised by the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA) and the British Fertility Society in the UK. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

What struck me is how unique and multi-layered the role of an infertility counsellor is and it prompted me to want to share my thoughts and some of what I learnt. I do not claim to know all the facts nor have I included them all but my aim is to give a snapshot of how intense both the training and the role are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Attendees were encouraged to ask themselves a lot of questions which were aimed at opening up their minds to the multitude of difficulties facing those who are battling infertility. At times it became overwhelming to think and this gave an insight into the journey faced by many. I do not doubt that what is written below will trigger many feelings, some more painful than others. They are very real and despite acknowledging it will be hard to read and digest, I hope too that it may also bring relief and perhaps even give permission to own your feelings and know you are not alone in them. This in turn is one of the aims of therapy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The unspoken, unwanted and unwelcome feelings that accompany infertility<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

To know that you, your partner or both are infertile is more than enough to have to come to terms with. Sadly, this is by no means the end of the battle ahead. To accompany this process are many feelings which are not always obvious at first and can creep up on you when you least expect it. This is why counselling is beneficial; counselling can help you make sense of your feelings. Feelings are explored in a safe environment and doing so can bring validation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why do people want a baby?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This may seem obvious to some, but in fact there are a multitude of reasons and it is interesting to explore some of these with your counsellor. In doing so, the importance of finding out why people want to have a child suddenly becomes very important. What I discovered is that there are in fact a whole range of reasons.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I thought I would attempt to address some of the more obvious ones, before I share some perhaps less spoken about, maybe because they are harder to accept and admit to yourself that\u2019s how you feel. Perhaps having read this you will feel less alone with your thoughts and take some comfort in knowing there are others out there who are feeling in a similar way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There is of course the biological drive to consider; that to a lot of couples, heterosexual and same sex, having a baby feels like the natural next step for them to take once they marry. To others, having a child may bring status and give them a purpose which perhaps before becoming a parent they felt was lacking in their life. It may also bring validation to a relationship, not to mention the unconditional love which we get from children. Having a child brings with it the rite of passage into parenthood and not achieving this in life may leave some feeling stuck in the role of somebody else\u2019s child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am aware that what I say may stir up a host of reactions in readers but I learnt the importance in gaining clarity for the reason(s) why a person wants to have a child. For example, if a couple want to have a baby to save a relationship, what support do they need in deciding whether having a baby is right for them at that time and how does one go about suggesting that perhaps couples counselling could be an option for them first to ensure they both want the same thing and for the right reasons. This is not to say they will not then go on and try to have a baby, but that they do this at a time that is right for them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Couples come to counselling wanting to expand their family due to cultural expectations. However they may be young and not quite ready to become parents, yet have come as a result of parental pressure. Exploring this in counselling offers a private space to share feelings which may feel shameful or hard to voice. There is a pressure on women to have children and women may succumb to societal expectations. They come for therapy filled with resentment which they have been unable to share and express. The potential damage this may do if these feelings are not thought about before embarking on the fertility process could be detrimental to both the mother and any future child or children she may have. Additionally the relationships she is currently in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Other women may feel the need to fill a void and think this can be achieved if they have a baby. Upon having a baby they soon discover this is not the case and counselling can help issues such as this arising. To some people having children becomes almost a hobby or dare I say an addiction. Being pregnant can bring a woman some sort of comfort or sense of purpose that it becomes something they need. The danger of this both to the mother\u2019s body and any future children she may have becomes increasingly worrying with the frequency of her pregnancies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On the flipside, it is interesting to think about those who choose not to have children. There is a huge stigma attached to this. To some it is incomprehensible, perhaps even selfish, to want a career and for that to be more important than procreation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The journey through treatment<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Counsellors can support the clients through the journey, which will be extremely unique to each individual.  The counsellor will follow the language of his\/her client. They work respectfully in a non-discriminatory way, without expressing personal opinions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Their work involves helping clients make sense of how they are feeling, gaining a different perspective on their feelings in a non-judgemental way and helping them manage the enormity of the emotional load they are going through. Expressing opinion can influence decisions made by clients which is why this is discouraged. The thoughts spoken about in counselling must remain those of the client(s).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Starting therapy<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A client who has been told they need to come for counselling needs to have some awareness of why they have been told to come. The counsellor must ensure not only that they know but that they understand what they need to know about the process. A personable approach is necessary in order for the counsellor to get to know the client. The counsellor will show interest, asking about their experience so far, when they started and how long they have been trying for so far. What is important, if it is a couple, is that both of the couple answer the questions. The counsellor needs to develop an understanding of what it means to each of them and how emotionally prepared they are, as well as be alert to signs of trauma.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sensitive but necessary questions<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Clients come full of mixed emotions. Aware of this, counsellors still need to broach topics which are incredibly sensitive but important to think about. This must be done with sensitivity, in a gentle and caring manner. What is important is that the counsellor must be robust, so that the client is able to not only think about what is being asked but answer it. Counsellors need to think with their clients about how many treatments they may consider. The implication being that it might not work straight away, something which is hard but necessary to think about. Even more difficult to approach is asking if they have ever envisaged life without children. There is no knowing the reaction a question such as this will be met with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A counsellor needs to remain curious about the impact the fertility issues have had on a couples\u2019 sexual relationship and sexual functioning. These are highly personal questions but must be addressed in order to get as full a picture as possible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Layers of issues<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is not written with the intention of overwhelming you, but to open your mind. Counsellors may ask how you intend to approach telling work about your fertility issues. Some people wish to remain private. There are implications to consider with both approaches. It is the job of the counsellor to help their client manage their expectations. This involves taking into account the patients\u2019 perspective. Counsellors listen to their clients to gauge where they are at on their journey. In order to feel listened to, counsellors will reflect back to the client and help them think about where they are at and what the best approach is for them to take in order to move on with their journey.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Infertility counselling encourages couples express their feelings to each other. Seeing the impact of not sharing their feelings in the presence of a counsellor can help untangle issues between a couple and help them feel more connected and ready for the journey they face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Counsellors must consider gender issues. It is not always but often the case that men are more able to envisage life without children. This demonstrates there are so many factors to consider in the work as a fertility counsellor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Short term\/long term<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Although a great deal can be achieved in short term work, a counsellor with limited sessions must be cautious in their approach. They must consider the frequency with which they see somebody to be able to focus on the therapeutic work significantly. In addition, the counsellor must be aware of the limitations of their role. It may be frustrating for a counsellor who is only given one session to work with a couple, as this feels rushed and impossible to cover all the ground they wish. Being left with this frustration, it is important they have an awareness of how they feel, as well as an outlet for these emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The emotional impact on<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n