{"id":67690,"date":"2022-09-16T16:56:04","date_gmt":"2022-09-16T15:56:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/fertilityroad.com\/?p=67690"},"modified":"2024-03-18T18:11:52","modified_gmt":"2024-03-18T18:11:52","slug":"egg-donation-what-i-wish-id-known","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fertilityroad.com\/da\/mag\/egg-donation-what-i-wish-id-known\/","title":{"rendered":"\u00c6gdonation - hvad jeg ville \u00f8nske, jeg havde vidst"},"content":{"rendered":"

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Sheila shares her valuable insights into being a mother to her donor-conceived daughter. Sheila talks to Fertility Road about what she wished she\u2019d known prior to taking the egg donor route to parenthood. Here she explores her thoughts and feelings before, during and after donor IVF.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fertilitetsvej<\/strong>: Sheila, thank you so much for talking to us at Fertility Road. At what age did you start to consider egg donation?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sheila<\/strong>: Initially when I was forty-two, then seriously when I was forty-five.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fertilitetsvej<\/strong>: What were your fertility circumstances at the time? Why was egg donation on your radar?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sheila<\/strong>: We were diagnosed with \u2018unexplained infertility\u2019 when I was forty-two and after our first unsuccessful ICSI cycle, our UK clinic mentioned we might need egg donation because out of six embryos, only one was chromosomally normal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fertilitetsvej<\/strong>: Was it a difficult decision to make? How did you go about finding out about egg donation?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sheila<\/strong>: After that unsuccessful cycle with my own eggs, we carried on trying naturally for three years because there was no known reason, but during that time egg donation was in the back of my mind. I don\u2019t remember grieving that any child I had wouldn\u2019t be mine biologically. I always knew that I would love the child I gave birth to as I\u2019d always wanted to be a Mum, and here I was, well into my 40\u2019s and still trying. I wasn\u2019t actively looking for information and there wasn\u2019t a lot available, certainly no-one was openly talking about it back
in 2009. Then, one Sunday in August I was reading a Sunday paper supplement, and there was an article
about egg donation in Spain. An English nurse from a Spanish clinic was interviewed and it just felt like I was supposed to read this article. My husband and I don\u2019t speak Spanish so knowing there would be someone there who was English was reassuring. In the UK, egg donation was no longer anonymous, so there would\u2019ve been a couple of years wait, and we didn\u2019t have time on our side.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fertilitetsvej<\/strong>: Were there particular sources of information which helped you to make the decision to go ahead with egg donation?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sheila<\/strong>: I knew about the Donor Conception Network but I didn\u2019t get around to contacting them, and there was Fertility Friends, but I don\u2019t remember there being much information about the clinic we had in mind and egg donation in Spain. I had an appointment with Fertility & Pregnancy expert, Zita West in early 2009 and she also advised that egg donation was likely to be our best option to become parents. So, most of our information came from the clinic in southern Spain when we had our first appointment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fertilitetsvej<\/strong>: Did you have good sources of emotional support at the time?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sheila<\/strong>: Not really. We didn\u2019t know anyone else who had been through egg donation and we didn\u2019t speak to a counsellor. Counselling wasn\u2019t suggested by our clinic. I think we\u2019d been trying for so many years that we had got used to the idea and we talked about it together a lot. We were just relieved that this could be the route to becoming parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fertilitetsvej<\/strong>: Looking back, were there things you wished you\u2019d known at the decision-making stage?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sheila<\/strong>: Yes, there were, but because I can\u2019t change it, I don\u2019t look back. I now understand that my
daughter may want to know more about the egg donor as she gets older and any biological half-siblings. But this was never discussed and it never crossed my mind, or if it did, I didn\u2019t know if these were normal feelings. If she wants to know in the future, of course I\u2019ll support her in the way that is best for her. Now my daughter is here and she\u2019s a person, it would be nice to have more information about the donor, as we have very little information other than her hair and eye colour, height, weight, age and interests.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fertilitetsvej<\/strong>: Is there an opportunity to ask the clinic in Spain for more information on your donor? Was your donor anonymous?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sheila<\/strong>: Yes, our donor was anonymous. Like a lot of parents-to-be who have to consider that a donor is their only way to have a family, one worry we had was that if the donor was known, would our child see me as their mother? Now that I have my daughter, I know this worry was totally needless because I am her Mum. But we can\u2019t help these thoughts. Unfortunately, the clinic in Spain only gave us the minimum information mentioned previously, and as far as I\u2019m aware, there are no plans to change the law in Spain around the anonymity of egg donors.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fertilitetsvej<\/strong>: Looking back at the IVF\/egg donation cycle, what do you recall as being the highs and lows?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sheila<\/strong>: I felt more optimistic with both egg donor cycles because it seemed the issue was my eggs, so it felt like we were getting closer to being parents. Then when I lost the baby after the first cycle at six weeks, that was definitely a very low time. It was the first time I\u2019d ever been pregnant and I was devastated. As there were no frozen embryos we had to start again with a new donor, and we\u2019d decided this would be our last attempt so it was an intense time. We threw everything we could at this cycle so we knew we\u2019d tried out best, including blood tests for thrombophilia, NK cells and Factor V Leiden, and although the results were within normal ranges, I was prescribed medication to reduce the risk anyway. The highest of highs was seeing our future baby as a four-cell, two-day old embryo (in our case), before transfer. Priceless.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fertilitetsvej<\/strong>: With the benefit of hindsight, what would you have said to yourself at the time?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sheila<\/strong>: I would have told myself to get professional counselling help to navigate the negative emotions I had of infertility, the feelings surrounding loss and grief, the anxiety and of losing who I had been. Nowadays all these feelings are out in the open and shared in the TTC (trying to conceive) community which is fantastic. It is also the reason I put together my \u2018Fertility Books\u2019 series which is available globally.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fertilitetsvej<\/strong>: Tell us more about your books. Who are they aimed at and what topics do they cover?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sheila<\/strong>: My books to help people who are struggling to conceive is my passion! The first book I self-published in 2018 is My Fertility Book; all the fertility and infertility explanations you will ever need from A to Z, and it\u2019s a glossary of medical and non-medical terms that are explained for someone who doesn\u2019t have a medical degree! So really useful for preparing for appointments, and understanding male and female fertility. Understanding the fertility lingo, i.e. abbreviations and acronyms is very stressful at the beginning of your journey, so I have a free eBook of over 200 infertility abbreviations that are used on social media, blogs, websites etc, and it can be downloaded from ww.mfsbooks.co.uk<\/a><\/strong> I started to publish my Fertility Books series in 2019, and each book is a collection of true-life, short stories and experiences about the emotions and frustrations when getting pregnant isn\u2019t easy. Reading other women\u2019s and men\u2019s stories really helps us to know we are not alone and validates our feelings. Even now, all these years later, other people\u2019s stories help me because there wasn\u2019t much to read fifteen years ago. The first book, This is Trying To Conceive, is only about infertility. The second is This is IVF and Other Fertility Treatments; the third book is This is the Two-Week Wait; the next is This is Pregnancy and Baby Loss (I didn\u2019t use \u2018miscarriage\u2019 in the title because I don\u2019t like the word); and the latest book published in May 2022 is This is Pregnancy after Infertility and Loss. There will be at least two further books which I plan to publish over the next eighteen months, hopefully. I also co-authored a book with fertility nurse Yemi Adegbile titled Infertility Doesn\u2019t Care About Ethnicity, and it\u2019s as the title says – a collection of true-life stories from ethnic women who have experienced infertility, pregnancy and baby loss, fertility treatments, donor conception, surrogacy and child-free after infertility. Although women in all countries feel the same devastating emotions when conceiving just isn\u2019t happening, ethnic women often experience additional stress from their own families, communities, cultures and the medical profession, so we wanted to put their stories into a book to not only support ethnic women but to also raise awareness of their additional struggles. All my books support women who are personally experiencing a difficult path to parenthood, because other women who\u2019ve trodden the same path have been strong and compassionate in sharing their stories. But equally as important, the books also educate their families and friends, healthcare professionals (who see these women, and men, when they are at their most vulnerable), such as clinic staff, ultrasound staff, nurses, doctors, midwives, counsellors, nutritionists, even receptionists. I am so grateful to all the contributors who understood my vision for the series. As a thank you to them, a small donation is made to a relevant charity for each sale. All the books are available as eBooks and paperbacks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fertilitetsvej<\/strong>: After the birth of your daughter, what were your feelings about the egg donation process?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sheila<\/strong>: I felt so very grateful that egg donation was possible and that another woman was kind enough to help. Like most women I never thought this would be my story and that I would become a Mum through egg donation, but from the moment I saw my daughter as an embryo, I was in love, and that love has only grown.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fertilitetsvej<\/strong>: How did you plan to talk to your daughter about her donor-conceived origins?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sheila<\/strong>: Back when we were considering egg donation and when I was pregnant, there was little information that I knew of about how to talk to donor conceived children. It was never going to be a secret because family and friends knew so that wouldn\u2019t have been right. I don\u2019t think we had a plan as such, but I\u2019m glad donor conceived people are now sharing about how they feel as it\u2019s very helpful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fertilitetsvej<\/strong>: What age was your daughter when you started the conversation?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sheila<\/strong>: I talked to her from the moment she was born. I used to say that Mummy\u2019s eggs were old and didn\u2019t work, and a kind lady wanted to help someone like me, so she gave us one of her eggs and that egg became you. She didn\u2019t understand of course but it helped me get used to talking to her. I was open with new Mums I met that she was conceived using a donor\u2019s egg, so she probably heard this as well, even though not fully understanding.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fertilitetsvej<\/strong>: Is this an ongoing conversation which evolves as your daughter grows?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sheila<\/strong>: Absolutely. When she was eight, my husband and I told her about the \u2018birds and the bees\u2019 \u2013 again about my eggs not working, that a lady we didn\u2019t know went to a clinic in Spain wanting to help Mummy and Daddy become parents. She didn\u2019t ask much at the time, only if that meant she had two Mums. We told her I was her Mummy whose tummy she grew in. Then she asked if she could go and play! It\u2019s not something we talk about every day, in fact it\u2019s quite rare, she doesn\u2019t usually bring it up. But when she asked where did she get her tanned skin from, I told her as the donor was from Spain, probably from her. If she has any questions or wants to try and find out more in the future regards trying to contact the donor, we\u2019ll definitely support her. But at the moment, it isn\u2019t something that interests her at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fertilitetsvej<\/strong>: What advice would you give to parents of donor-conceived children?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sheila<\/strong>: I would definitely recommend finding a counsellor who is trained in donor conception, as they have experience with helping parents-to-be to navigate their emotions and the future with a donor conceived child. Attend support groups or workshops specifically for those considering donor conception, because the concerns are different, and you can connect with others who are on the same journey as you. Start your own book of your child\u2019s beginnings \u2013 this is such a beautiful keepsake and you\u2019ll forget things if you don\u2019t either write them down or take a photo. I deeply regret I just have a few random pieces of information about the donor. Find children\u2019s books that you like that tell the story of donor conception and start reading them to your baby as soon as you\u2019ve welcomed her or him into the world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Sheila deler sin v\u00e6rdifulde indsigt i at v\u00e6re mor til sin datter, der er undfanget med donor\u00e6g. Sheila taler med Fertility Road om, hvad hun ville \u00f8nske, hun havde vidst, f\u00f8r hun tog \u00e6gdonorvejen til for\u00e6ldreskab. Her udforsker hun sine tanker og f\u00f8lelser f\u00f8r, under og efter donor-IVF. Fertility Road: Sheila, mange tak for samtalen [...]<\/p>","protected":false},"author":713,"featured_media":67783,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"apple_news_api_created_at":"","apple_news_api_id":"","apple_news_api_modified_at":"","apple_news_api_revision":"","apple_news_api_share_url":"","apple_news_coverimage":0,"apple_news_coverimage_caption":"","apple_news_is_hidden":"","apple_news_is_paid":"","apple_news_is_preview":"","apple_news_is_sponsored":"","apple_news_maturity_rating":"","apple_news_metadata":"\"\"","apple_news_pullquote":"","apple_news_pullquote_position":"","apple_news_slug":"","apple_news_sections":[],"apple_news_suppress_video_url":false,"apple_news_use_image_component":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1961,1964],"tags":[],"acf":[],"apple_news_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fertilityroad.com\/da\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/67690"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fertilityroad.com\/da\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fertilityroad.com\/da\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fertilityroad.com\/da\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/713"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fertilityroad.com\/da\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=67690"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/fertilityroad.com\/da\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/67690\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":71883,"href":"https:\/\/fertilityroad.com\/da\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/67690\/revisions\/71883"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fertilityroad.com\/da\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/67783"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fertilityroad.com\/da\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=67690"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fertilityroad.com\/da\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=67690"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fertilityroad.com\/da\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=67690"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}