When you’re on this fertility journey one of the most fear-inducing thing to encounter is when you’re told you only have a 1-5% chance of getting pregnant (whether due to age or having a physical issue that will prevent you).
Whether we want to or not, if we lean toward the Type-A end of things, it’s really hard to not plug into the numbers. While we may outwardly really want this baby, if the logical/linear part of the brain thinks that it’s not actually plausible, it makes for a very painful and stressful process.
We all plug into this accepted societal belief that after 30, your eggs are crap and you’re running out of time. I remember being told at 28 that I better hurry up if I didn’t want to have issues. This isn’t something that you really give too much thought to until you find yourself in your 40’s scared that you’ve missed your window of opportunity.
Many doctors cite age as the sole factor of your chances, but it’s not. Many people eat poorly, have stressful jobs, relationship issues, unhealed traumas, etc and for some reason this isn’t taken into account.
Why should it be, you ask?
How many of you have heard the sayings: “Mind over matter,” or “You can do anything you put your mind to?” The brain is so powerful. To think it’s not involved with a physical issue doesn’t make sense.
The brain is the control center for the body – the body takes orders from the brain. If the brain, therefore, keeps putting out the signals of ‘running out of time, not capable, too old’ – the body has to mirror that in it’s function. If the brain says, “We have no chance. We’ve missed our window,” the body says, “Ok never mind,” and function and quality begin to decrease.
Statistics around maternal age and fertility are also skewed from “white coat syndrome” or “Chicken or the egg” theory.
This belief that we are not capable of having babies in our 40’s, or that it has to be hard has been around for a long time now. We believe it because we have been told by people in white coats, who have years of training, that it is so. We don’t question it. We don’t check in with our intuition because we aren’t taught to value it as a veritable source, so we put all of our power outside of ourselves and defer to the authority.
Is it the chicken or the egg that came first? Can we really not get pregnant, so we don’t? Or is it because we’ve been told we can’t, so we don’t? The power of suggestion is…well… powerful. A statement doesn’t have to be true for our brains to accept/believe it. Anytime our capability is outside of ourselves we are not in our power, and therefore not an energetic match to the thing we want because we are coming from a place of lack, or desperation.
Am I saying ignore all doctors and cease medical treatment? Of course not. I am saying that the “norm” for maternal age is skewed because of this white coat syndrome and because of our own panic that keeps our bodies in a constant state of fight or flight . There’s no way to tell what actual capability is. You can’t just look at the uterus or ovaries and determine odds. Each woman has their own individual life and circumstances that go along with that uterus, and when there are beliefs, past traumas, high stress jobs, a partner who’s not cooperating, etc- those things affect the body.
There are many stories about women who thought they were done having kids and weren’t looking to get pregnant, but did. The most recent article I read was about a woman who at 50 years old thought she was going into menopause and found out she was 26 weeks pregnant! She wasn’t in attachment or need and there was no effort.
One of my own clients was 47 and everyone had given up on her. After working through fears, she got pregnant with, and had a healthy baby girl. Another client at 41 called me crying that the doctors told her even with IVF she had less than a 5% chance. I asked her if she was getting a cycle, taking care of herself and had a uterus and at least one ovary. She said yes. I said, ok then. We did one session and she was pregnant with her little boy. And yet another client in her 40’s, the most recent in my practice to get pregnant was diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve. She was told she had very few eggs and the quality was awful. They gave her a 1% chance and told her she would need a donor egg. After shifting fears, beliefs and unhelpful patterns, she was pregnant with a healthy baby and didn’t need the donor after all. If she had believed the doctor’s limited perspective, she wouldn’t be where she is today.
I know it sees like the numbers matter, but they really don’t. They’re just an indicator and that can change. It’s like a check-engine light. An opportunity to make some changes. Anything internal can be shifted. I see it every day in my practice. Nothing is permanent in life. Infertility doesn’t need to be either. Even though the pain is real, and the numbers are the numbers- it’s not permanent- unless we give up, don’t make changes, or surrender to the diagnosis. Yes doctors have years of training and have valid things to offer. They’re also operating from somewhat outdated information in certain areas. And it keeps us in fear, and stuck.
It’s less about the numbers and more about the fear they create.
Here’s the thing:
You’re born with at least 1 million eggs. So even if you lose 90% by the time you’re 30, you still have 100,000 eggs. You need 1.
So what are some things you can do to not become an infertility statistic?
Re-establish some sense of capability
Write a list of what is going right , right now. From a Law of Attraction perspective, like energy attracts like energy. So if we are focusing on what is going wrong, or how small our chances are- we are an energetic match to our chances being small. By focusing on what is going right, you become a match to more things going right.
Write a list of why you are capable. Look at physical, emotional, spiritual and environmental reasons why you can do this. There are more reasons why you can, than why you can’t. Daily feel into this list with your hand on your heart, eyes closed and breathe into each of these things. Again the more you send energy to why you’re capable, your sense of confidence builds and you become an energetic match to what you want.
Write a victory list of things you have achieved in your life that you’re proud of (college degree, healing your body from an illness, promotion at work). It’s important for your brain to see that you have achieved tough things in the past and that it’s just as possible to achieve
Plug into your intuition. When you are operating from your intuition, you are in a “knowing” that you are ok and are capable. When you’re operating from your brain (ego), its coming from fear, lack and survival. Visit www.fusionfertility.com to get your free Conceivable Toolkit that has 10 exercises to help boost your fertility, many of which involve developing your intuition.
Find an Anchor
When you’re being told from all angles (doctors, society, family, google, etc) that you’re not capable, it’s hard to stay strong in an innate knowing that you can do this. It can be helpful to find an anchor that brings you back to yourself, back into your own lane. These anchors can be thoughts, mantras, actions or physical triggers or exercises. Here are some that my clients find helpful”
Get a piece of black tourmaline for grounding. Meditate with it at home or bring it to your doctor’s appointment. Set the intention to stay grounded and observe without absorbing. You can hear what they’re saying without absorbing their numbers or limitations.
Meditate, not to get the baby, but for you to decompress. Have some soothing music and sage/incense to quiet your other senses. You can have a different focus each time: You can talk to the baby and tell them what you’re excited to do with them and feel into the joy of that for a few minutes. You can have a hand on your lower abdomen and visualize an orange ( color of the sacral chakra) ball of light spinning there and you listen to soothing music. This energetically activates this area.
Have a mantra like “I deserve to be a mother,” or “I claim this baby.”
Pivot to an activity that doesn’t require a lit of analytical thought like dancing, going for a walk, knitting, painting, taking a bath, etc.
Ask for guidance from higher power or ancestors. This seems like a solo journey in a lot of ways. It’s important to allow guidance, where we can, to get out of this “hunting” energy. You can try automatic writing or begin with a mantra of “I allow in the gifts and guidance meant for me.” Be open to how the response comes in.
It can be hard to not plug into the numbers, but it is possible not to when you are coming from a place of capability, a knowing that you can do this, and assembling a team that also thinks you can. People defy the “odds” all the time. Why can’t you be one of them? Just entertaining the idea that your outcome could be different will go a long way to shifting your energy.