My wife and I had a 10-year infertility journey. Initially, she was diagnosed with fertility problems and after many years of healing herself through holistic means, we then tried for about a year without success.
It was at this point I was recommended to have my first fertility test. The test results were disastrous across the board! That felt like a real kick in the teeth.
Looking back we can see how much our mind and emotions have played a role in our journey. We firmly believe our journey would not have taken 10 years if we knew what we know now. That is why I enjoy working with women and couples to help them on their journey to getting pregnant.
The benefit of hindsight
In this article, I share the top five things I wish I knew on our fertility journey and how we went on to conceive naturally against all odds.
1. We live in the experience of our thinking
We often refer to this journey as an emotional rollercoaster. One minute we are ever hopeful, the next moment all our hopes and dreams are shattered and we are gripped with pain and grief.
What keeps us on the rollercoaster is a misunderstanding of where our feelings come from. Our feelings know nothing about our circumstances or what the future holds for us.
What creates feelings is thoughts. If we were feeling our circumstances we would always be feeling the same thing until circumstances changed.
The fact we have better days than others shows our feelings are independent to circumstances.
However, it really feels like we are feeling our circumstances.
We are feeling our thoughts about our situation, not the situation itself. It is our thinking about the negative test result that creates our experience, not the test result itself.
2. We cannot predict the future
Our thinking spends a lot of time worrying about the future because it wants to know we are going to be okay.
We predict what may or may not happen in the future and then we think about what we could do in order to prepare ourselves for that/prevent it happening/make it happen (depending on the outcome our thinking thinks will make us happy).
It is in these moments we forget that nothing can predict our future, not even our thinking. However, we spend a lot of time in our predicted future worrying about it.
Any thought that is not in the present moment is a pure fantasy no matter how realistic it appears.
Come back to the present moment: we have all the resources we need to deal with this moment. We’re not designed to deal with a made-up future, we are designed to live in reality and have everything we need to be okay in this moment.
3. We have the possibility of seeing things at different levels of consciousness
We experience our circumstances whilst looking at them through a particular filter of thinking in that moment. It is like looking at a situation through a long cardboard tube. When we do this we experience this as our ‘reality’ and can’t believe we can experience it in any other way.
However, we forget that we are experiencing our circumstances through our thinking in that moment which can change from moment to moment.
It is like there is a whole series of tubes stacked up on top of each other. When we look at the situation through our lowest level of thinking, our lowest level of consciousness, we forget we have the possibility of seeing their situation through a different set of thinking at any moment in time.
Thinking comes and goes and is changing all the time. So the situation can feel very different in a few minutes or hours or the next day as our thinking changes.
4. Whatever happens I will be okay
Our thinking believes our ‘okayness’ is dependent on external circumstances. It says ‘I’m okay if…’ or ‘I’m okay when…’
I can look back in my life and see subconsciously that was how I was living my life. It started with I’m okay if my mum thinks I’m okay. Then
I’m okay if I meet my teacher’s expectations. Then I’m okay if my boss thinks I’m okay. I became a people pleaser.
We are surrounded by adults living that perspective thinking they are okay if they have a certain amount of money in the bank or drive a certain car. This is like being on a hamster wheel because our thinking is looking at the wrong place for true contentment and happiness so never gets there.
We were born with innate wellbeing. If you look at little children they are content in the moment. They don’t worry about what people think about them or worry about tomorrow. This innate wellbeing gets drowned out by our thinking.
The days you feel happiest, in a state of ‘flow’ are the days you are not trying to be okay. It’s a non-thinking state and you are being guided by your intuition.
We have everything we need to cope with whatever comes up in our lives when we are present to it and trust our instinct as it is rooted in our innate wellbeing.
People are often scared about the thought of losing their job. However, if it actually happens they have the resources to get on and deal with it and it often leads to something better.
Whatever happens you will be okay because you have innate wellbeing within you and everything you need to deal with whatever shows up in life, when you are in it.
5. The mind and body are one system
We often refer to the mind-body connection. However, the mind and body are one system. The mind affects the body and the body affects the mind.
There is a growing body of research that demonstrates how our mind can affect our body even down to DNA level.
Reproduction requires a delicate balance of hormones at different stages of the process. These can easily be knocked out of balance through our thinking and our emotions.
I worked really hard to improve my fertility but it actually got worse (the doctors didn’t believe it could get worse!).
I can look back now and see that my fear of us not having a baby undermined all the good stuff I was doing.
When I found a place of peace without giving up (it does exist!) my fertility improved dramatically without me trying to improve it and my wife got pregnant naturally (one in a billion chance we were told that could happen).
I’ve also learnt over the years the power of hypnosis and other mind-body practices and how guiding your unconscious mind to help your body do exactly what you want to do is incredibly powerful.
Your unconscious mind controls all your bodily processes and sometimes needs a little helping hand to guide it to do what you want it to do. As well as using hypnosis for my own wellbeing I’ve seen many clients experience biological changes such as ovulating for the first time or overcoming other medical challenges leading to them getting pregnant successfully.