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How to stop thinking it’s your fault

Don’t read this to understand anything intellectually. Notice how you feel as you read. 

On our fertility journey, I felt guilty that it was my fault my wife couldn’t be the mother she was born to be. After years of improving her wellbeing and overcoming her fertility problems, believing we’ve run the marathon and we were on the home straight, it was my fertility results that were preventing her from having what she most wanted in the world. To give all the love she had to her child. 

I was devastated. I was angry. I felt guilty. I wondered why she would stay with me if it meant she couldn’t be the mother she craved to be. 

First IVF magazine
15 articles about IVF and Donor Conception by top IVF experts worldwide!

How do you stop thinking it’s your fault? The world fault comes from the Latin ‘falsus’ which means deceptive, spurious. Something unknown and mysterious. We now use the word fault as a judgement of cause, when often it’s unknown. So much of life is a mystery but our thinking doesn’t like that. It hates the idea of not being in control. We live in a world of control and judgement. And thus blame. An accident is no longer an accident, there has to be someone to blame. 

This comes from our ‘outside-in’ thinking. When we come into the world we are ‘inside-out’. As a baby or toddler life is a mystery. It’s all new and unknown. However, we are comfortable with that. We have a deep knowing that we are OK for who are. Our psychological wellbeing is within us, it’s not dependent on anything external. We are ‘inside-out’. This inner knowing turns the unknownness of life into wonder. 

Growing up as kids we start to interpret things, such as our parent’s mood or how other kids behaviour, as being about us, our fault. We start to think our sense of OKness is dependant on these external things. What people think of us, doing the right thing or being who we think people want us to be. This is because our human emotional intelligence is not fully formed until the teenage years. Before that, the mammalian part of our brain is quite dominant. It wants to be loved and feel secure in the pack because as a mammal your survival is dependant on that. 

So our ‘outside-in’ thinking tells us we need certain external outcomes to feel safe, loved and secure on the inside. This is an illusion. It may have started as a kid but it’s continued out of habit. Unconscious thought. 

The more we see through the illusion the more can connect to our innate wellbeing that we came into the world with because it’s who we ARE. It never goes away. It gets drowned out by the brass band of insecure ‘outside-in’ thought. It’s a still soft voice of knowing within you. 

The more you are aware of this, the less power we give to insecure thoughts and we begin to be comfortable with the not-knowing of life. We realise we don’t need anything external to feel safe, secure and loved on the inside. The things we thought we needed to be OK become desires, not needs. We can hold them lightly. 

You are OK for who you ARE. Despite circumstances. 

It’s not your fault. Your fertility journey is ‘falsus’. A mystery. You can be in the mystery of life knowing you don’t need anything to be loved, worthy and secure. Whatever happens, you are going to be OK.

As you begin to relax into that knowing, ironically that’s the space where the magic is more likely to happen. 

How do you feel as you read this? Notice that feeling within. 

Russell Davis
Russell Davis
Russell Davis is a Fertility Coach and Cognitive Hypnotherapist, writer and speaker with personal experience of infertility. Russell helps people have the optimal mindset to get pregnant and is the author the best seller Conceivable. Find out more about his work here

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15 articles about IVF and Donor Conception by top IVF experts worldwide!