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Top Ten Misconceptions About Secondary Infertility

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Top Ten Misconceptions About Secondary Infertility

One of the biggest misconceptions about Secondary Infertility is probably believing it actually exists! Too few people know of the condition, fewer use the term and due to its sensitivity, very few people ever talk about it. So is it any wonder that there was so much feedback when I asked members of the Secondary Infertility Matters Facebook group, what they thought were the biggest misconceptions about Secondary Infertility?

After whittling them down, lots of couples shared the same frustrations so here are the Top Ten Untruths:

Only affects couples with one child
Secondary Infertility, or the inability to conceive another child, can affect a couple whether they already have one, two or ten children. A large proportion of those affected do only have one child, but this may simply be down to chance. What is clear is that you can have conceived any number of children easily but suddenly and inexplicably be unable to get pregnant again.

“I am married with two beautiful children that I am very grateful for. We have had the dream of having four kids though, and we did plan to have them all two years apart, but it seems we’re experiencing some delay.” Melissa.

Couple must have had trouble conceiving the first time
How the first child or children were conceived has no bearing on whether a couple will conceive again. Many couples describe how they got pregnant without trying, or who got a positive result after just a couple of months tracking ovulation and most talk about how they would never have dreamt they would ever have difficulty getting pregnant again. Many onlookers often wrongly assume, and frequently comment, that the couple must have had IVF treatment for their first child too.

“My son took us a year to conceive. And it was hard, there were a lot of ups and downs but out of the blue we naturally conceived. So when he was two we thought we would ‘try’ for number two and I never imagined that two and a half years later we would still be trying.” Keren Mother to son aged 3.

“When people say, “was your first IVF too?” I feel so insulted on his behalf for some reason! It’s like me asking “what position did you conceive your son in?” As a matter of fact no actually, we weren’t even trying but it’s none of your business anyway!” Angela, Mother to sons aged 9 and 5.

Only affects women who are 40+
The stereotypical image of ‘woman having fertility trouble’ might be dried up, worked up, lonely, selfish, career queen who now wants to hang up her power stilettos and fill the void of board meetings with soft play and nappies. Not so. Secondary Infertility can strike at any age and whilst with any baby making attempt, age is never on a woman’s side, there are many women in their twenties and early thirties who are struggling to conceive a second or third child, for a variety of reasons.

“When I was 17 I found out I was pregnant, we weren’t trying, he wasn’t planned. We fell into the teen pregnancy statistic and I graduated from high school eight and a half months pregnant. My now husband and I went on to have another son. Many tell me to just be thankful for the two I have, they are healthy and happy but I always wanted a large family and my yearning for another child, a daughter, is not just because I want a baby girl, it’s because I never had a mother & daughter relationship with my own mother. I crave that bond, I want it with my own daughter.” Kirsten, 26, Mother to children 9 and 4.

Only affects heterosexual couples
The official definition for Secondary Infertility in my opinion is a little blurred because in today’s society, when you strip it back to the nuts and bolts of pound notes, if you already have a child, you are ineligible for fertility funding, whether that child is from your existing relationship or from a previous relationship. So, in my opinion, the definition should be clearer and most definitely including step children and same sex relationships.

“My two children are from my first marriage and myself and my ex husband had no problem conceiving. The marriage didn’t last and I’m now engaged to my partner Suzanne and we have been trying for three years to have a child together but after two IVF attempts with two sperm donors we are starting to struggle with the fact it might never happen. It’s really hard to find people to talk to who understand firstly our relationship and desire for a child as a same sex couple and then secondly, why I’m so upset when I already have two children who Suzanne also adores. It’s been really difficult.” Jane, Mother to two children aged 14 and 13.

There is funding available for secondary infertility treatment
Incorrect. If you have a child or children already, either in this current relationship or if either of you has a child from a previous relationship, you are not eligible for any funding for fertility treatment. This is extremely distressing for couples who simply don’t have thousands stashed away, or in particular for couples where one partner has had a child early in life with a former boy/girlfriend and have now married but are unable to have a family with their wife or husband.

“Our options to help us have another baby are basically zero. We have paid our taxes all our lives, we haven’t cheated any benefits but because my husband had a daughter with a girlfriend when they were in their teens, we are now unable to get any funding for fertility treatment to help us have a family. We have to support his former partner for his daughter and have just bought our first home after being together 6 years, so have literally no money of our own to pay for IVF. I feel heartbroken all over again.” Claudia.

Must be having IVF
When some people hear the word ‘infertility’ they automatically assume you are having IVF these days. Many couples are struggling with not getting pregnant a second time but one or both of them feels completely averse to ‘meddling with nature’ and therefore discounts intervention. These couples may however still be adjusting diets, taking supplements and any number of other methods to help them succeed still.

“My husband has told me he isn’t keen for IVF or anything of the likes, he wants another with me, but is content with two if it doesn’t happen naturally.” Melissa, Mother to two children.

Must be the man’s/woman’s fault
In many cases the ‘cause’ of Secondary Infertility is no ‘cause’ at all, indeed unexplained. Despite 1001 tests, there is inconclusive evidence that either partner has a condition or symptoms that are preventing conception or successful pregnancy. This can be hugely frustrating for couples, but not nearly as frustrating as when onlookers ask or suggest that it might be down the shortcoming of either one of them!

“We are dealing with unexplained secondary infertility – no reason, nothing! I don’t know if it is worse than having a diagnosis but if there was a reason there would be purpose to rectify it. ‘It’s because of this… so we are going to do that’. It made me feel angry that I went through all those invasive tests for nothing but at the same time having to find the positive that hopefully it means it’s just a matter of time and timing for us.” Keren Mum to a son 4.

They should stop trying, have a holiday and relax
Many couples struggling with SI could afford a round of IVF if they had a pound for every time they had been told to “just relax”. For sure, excessive stress can be a factor in any infertility but certainly going on a holiday or stopping trying is no sure solution to getting pregnant. Just ask the thousands of couples who’ve tried!

“When you’re facing complex issues like major male factors and/or female factors plus repeated miscarriages, it takes a lot of willpower to not punch them in the face but smile sweetly and say “yeah I hear you”.” Jade Mother to children aged 21, 9 and 7.

“It’s not like buying that pair of shoes you know you can’t afford – you can do everything right, eat right, sleep right, take vitamins, exercise, have all the tests, analyse every part of your sex life and still here you are with no baby – no control!” Keren.

“People see my two children and think, it must be an easy fix. It wouldn’t be infertility if it was just an ‘easy fix’!” Suzi, Mother to children 5 and 3.

They should be happy with the child/children they are lucky to have
I bet my own kids that there is not a couple on this earth who is struggling with Secondary Infertility that isn’t happy with the child or children they already have and that they would be the first to say they are already blessed. One of the most important and worrying things for me was that my son should never feel he was never enough for me, when he is old enough to read my book. He was, is, the world to me, indeed I wanted another child as a gift of sibling for him.

“Definitely the “they should be happy with the child they have” comment is upsetting. It’s like we’re bad parents just for wanting a sibling.” Suzanne.

Couple already have a child so not conceiving doesn’t hurt
Secondary Infertility is still infertility, and it hurts. It really, really hurts. One contributor to the Real Stories page on my website wrote “I’m writing my story with tears flowing down my cheeks, my eyes so full I can hardly see to type, but it feels good to let it all out. My fingers are doing the talking my mouth couldn’t ever do.” The fear or hurting those who are yet to have one child, means those with SI bottle up their emotion and upset, which only adds to the grief and isolation.

“You should be happy that you have one child! There are women out there that cannot have children at all, you at least have one.” I mean, really? People just don’t get it! I’ve suffered with primary and secondary infertility and they both hurt the same way, there’s no difference whatsoever no matter how many children you might have. Judy Mother to son aged 3

“These feelings are real and valid. I think to be honest there isn’t anything that can help, just time”. Catherine, 40, mother to 3 year old.

Helen Davies is the author of ‘More Love To Give’ available from Amazon £9.99.

If you are struggling with Secondary Infertility you can visit Helen’s website secondaryinfertilitymatters.com and closed confidential Facebook Support Group Secondary Infertility Matters.

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Fertility 360

Do This ONE Thing to Improve Your Fertility Immediately

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Do This ONE Thing to Improve Your Fertility Immediately

Why is Earth the only planet in our solar system that supports life forms?

Quite simply…water.  No other planet has it.

Drinking water is essential for optimal health.  And you probably think you get plenty of fluids every day.

Yet, up to 75 percent of Americans may be in a chronic state of dehydration, according to research.

Many people understand the importance of drinking enough water but they don’t overcome the perceived inconvenience to make it part of their routine.

The problem is that allowing yourself to become dehydrated causes more inconvenience because it can be a significant contributing factor to your fertility issues.  Something as simple as drinking enough water can be the turning point for you.

Staying hydrated is critical when trying to get pregnant.  You can survive weeks without food. But as little as a few hours without water.  For example, a child left in a hot car or an athlete exercising hard in hot weather can dehydrate, overheat and die in a period of a few hours.

50-70% of your body weight is water.  Your blood is 85% water, your muscles 80%, your brain 75% and even your bones are 25% water, which indicates how important water is for your health.

Water keeps all of your organs and cells functioning properly including the reproductive cells (egg, sperm) and reproductive organs (brain, ovaries, uterus, testes, thyroid).  It also naturally flushes out toxins in the body.

For men, semen production and semen volume can be reduced by not drinking enough water.   If semen is thicker due to dehydration, sperm may have trouble swimming.

For the fetus, staying hydrated is critical for fetal development.  Water helps carry nutrients to the placenta and is an important part of all aspects of development from the time of fertilization. Without water, a developing baby cannot survive, increasing the risk of miscarriage.

For women, dehydration can affect…

  • …which leads to dehydration interfering with or preventing ovulation
  • The cervical mucus, which is important in transporting the sperm to the fallopian tubes for egg fertilization.  Having little to no cervical mucus can be an indication that you’re dehydrated. You should see 2-3 days of egg white, stretchy cervical mucus around ovulation.  Without enough water, the cervical mucus that balances vaginal pH also becomes too acidic, harming the sperm.
  • Implantation –  Water is necessary for cell division and metabolism. The cells of the uterine wall must be healthy for the embryo to implant.

 

How much water to drink?

Because people are busy throughout the day, using thirst as a guide is unreliable.

A general rule of thumb is to drink half your weight in ounces of water.

But more accurately, use your urine as a guide.

The color should be pale yellow like lemonade.  If it is a deep, dark yellow then you are probably not drinking enough water.  If it is colorless, you are drinking too much water which can cause salts & other electrolytes in your body to become too diluted.

A healthy person urinates on average about 7-8 times a day.  If you haven’t urinated in many hours, that’s an indication that you’re not drinking enough.  Time your water intake so that needing to go to the bathroom doesn’t cause you to wake up at night.

Make sure you start your day with a large glass of water to rehydrate.  You breathe out a small amount of water every time you exhale as you’re sleeping.  If you sweat at night, you’re also losing water.

Water bottles

Storing your water in the appropriate water containers is important.  Glass and stainless steel water containers are best.

DO NOT USE plastic bottles!  Even if they’re BPA-free.

BPA (bisphenol-A) mimics estrogen, and therefore can have estrogenic effects in the body causing infertility including low sperm quality.  BPA increases aneuploidy, a defect consisting of abnormal loss or gain of chromosomes, which could lead to miscarriages or disorders such as Down Syndrome.

Plastics, including BPA-free materials, leach chemicals that act like estrogen in our bodies.  Conditions that are known to release these harmful chemicals are heat, putting them in a microwave or dishwasher, or leaving a plastic water bottle in a hot car.  Microwaving the containers or placing hot liquids or food into them releases BPA 55 times more rapidly! But even normal contact with food or water was enough for these chemicals to leach into the food and the water because they are unstable.  Some of the chemicals that are in the BPA-free plastics actually have been found to have greater estrogenic activity than BPA itself.

Water quality

Many people rely on drinking bottled water regularly.  The problem is that you don’t know how long they’ve been in the plastic bottle and what conditions they have been stored in.

Instead, purify your tap water using the best water filtration system you can afford, preferably one with reverse osmosis (RO).

Unfortunately, an effective water filtration system also removes beneficial minerals (magnesium, calcium, iron, manganese).  Because RO water doesn’t have enough minerals, when it is consumed, it also leaches minerals from the body and your food if you cook with RO water. It’s because water wants to bind to everything, and it will take the minerals where it can — like from your body or your food.  This means that the minerals in food and vitamins are being urinated away.

Less minerals consumed plus more minerals being excreted equals serious negative side effects and big health problems, including fertility issues.

A simple solution is to add trace minerals to filtered water.

Here are some easy tips to ensure you’re drinking enough water

  • Have a bottle with you constantly and make it a habit to take a sip whenever you have down time.
  • Use an app to track your water intake.>
  • Set recurring water break reminders on your phone.
  • Buy a bottle with pre-marked timed intervals. You can also make your own stickers to add to your favorite clear bottle.  All you have to do is come up with your own timed drinking goals and write the times on the bottle.

Optimal fertility starts with the basics – water being the most critical ingredient to life.  Make it a daily habit to drink enough for your reproductive needs.

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Good, Good, Good, Good Vibrations

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Good, Good, Good, Good Vibrations

Hi future mama,

We are coming up on the Thanksgiving holiday in the U.S. and though many of you are tuning in from all over the world and may not be celebrating this holiday; it’s still a good time to take stock of the things we are thankful for.

Unfortunately it’s our innate human survival response to focus on what’s going wrong versus what’s going right. The fight-or-flight response in our brains want to make sure we stay alive and so it is on heightened alert when we worry about the magical, “what if?”

What if it’s too late?
What if there’s something wrong with me?
What if we don’t have enough money?
What if I can’t heal my …. ?
What if IVF doesn’t work?
What if I can’t “figure it out?”

If you’ve been on this journey for any length of time, I’m sure you’re not a stranger to some of these thoughts. It sucks because they’re involuntary. Obviously we don’t WANT to think them, but we do.

Oddly enough if we worry it feels like we are doing something active; but of course from a Law of Attraction perspective, worrying only brings a match to more worrying. It’s so easy to go down the rabbit hole of worry and project our deepest fears into a future that hasn’t happened yet.

We aren’t really taught to focus on things going right. It feels irresponsible to the fight-or-flight part of the brain because- what if something falls through the cracks and we miss our chance? Or we just plain forget that there are things in our lives that ARE going right, because we are so consumed with the fear of ‘what if’.

The problem is that we can be looped in a cycle of fear and it can be really hard to pull yourself out of it. The more we try to force our way out of the loop, the more forcing it brings- and we can’t get out of it.

What does this mean for our bodies from a physiological perspective?

Thanks to the Law of Psychophysical Response, every positive thought creates a positive physical/chemical reaction in the body, and every negative thought creates a negative physical/chemical response in the body. So every time we replay a fear or past trauma, the body can’t tell if the trauma is happening in real time or is just being replayed mentally so the body responds as if it’s happening now. This keeps our fight or flight switch on because the brain perceives danger, and if the switch is on, the uterus is off. Not only is it not good for your mental state to keep replaying these fears and traumas, but it’s literally affecting your body too. This is not for you to go crazy being fearful that every thought you think is messing up your chances, it’s to bring awareness to your thoughts- awareness that despite what it feels like there is choice in what you think and what you become a match to. So just as with every negative thought, there’s a negative reaction in the body; so too with every positive thought there’s a positive reaction in the body. So your power is in choosing thoughts that feel better and being compassionate with your brain as it is rewired to think this way. It’s going to take time for it to be consistent, and we can’t go from gloom and doom to euphoria because we aren’t an energetic match to that.

A good way to begin to turn the tide and become more of a vibrational match to the energy and outcome you want is to establish some sort of gratitude practice.

Now let me be clear– being grateful for what IS going right now, is by no means a resignation that this is your life forever, that you don’t get to have your dream and you’re just going to have to deal with the scraps you feel life has given you.

On the contrary!

We cannot be in gratitude and fear at the same time. The energetic vibrations are too far apart. So being in gratitude at least momentarily lets us spend some time away from fear and feeling more peaceful.

Many of us think, “I’ll be so grateful when I get pregnant.” It sounds like a positive thought on the surface, but remember the universe doesn’t care what you’re saying– it’s hearing the energy that you’re putting out. So how that statement actually reads energetically is, “I’m not okay and I can’t be grateful until I’m pregnant, and I’m not pregnant so I can’t be grateful.”

When we are truly in the energy of gratitude for what is going right, we become an energetic match to being more grateful for more things going right. And truly, more things will start to go right- hence more gratitude!

When we are so consumed with Mission Baby, it’s hard to feel like anything is going right, but SO much is! From the epic, to the mundane, we all have things in our every day lives to be grateful for like:

  • supportive spouse
  • still getting a cycle
  • have a place to live
  • ate today
  • supportive family
  • have a job
  • it was nice out today

It’s so important for us to direct energy and awareness to what is going right so that we literally become a match to receiving more of it. Focusing on what you DON’T have, brings more of a match to you not having it. Focus on what you DO have and watch things change.

So what kind of gratitude practice are we talking about here?

    1. A gratitude journal. Get a cool looking journal that speaks to you (mine is leather with a Celtic tree of life embossed on it). Have it somewhere where you’ll see it every day. Each day write three things you’re grateful for/ or that went right today. It’s okay to have the same things on the list for several days, but really dig deep to some of the little or forgotten reasons. We all have so many. Commit to doing it for at least a month (preferably three months). Daily attention to gratitude and acknowledging support from the universe makes you a match to receiving more of it.
    2. If your spouse/partner is open to it, have a peak & valley discussion every night over dinner of before you go to bed. The valley is where you let your brain vent the thing that upsets you, and then the peak is the high point of your day. What happened that made you feel good today. It’s okay to start with things like – it was nice outside today, someone gave me their seat on the subway, I found a parking spot right away, a stranger complimented me, I had a really good sandwich for lunch, etc. Sometimes we have to start here first. That’s okay. The important thing is that we remind our brains that there are things going right all around us. Sometimes it helps our accountability to do this with our partner. If they’re not open, find a friend who you can text your peak and valley to- and maybe they’ll join you.
    3. A mini gratitude meditation. This is much simpler than it sounds and there’s no wrong way to do it. For example, you may want to sit with your eyes closed burning some sage or listen to soothing music. Take a few deep breaths, put one hand on your heart and begin to visualise one thing you’re grateful for. Deep inhale as you think of the thing you’re grateful for, and exhale as you say in out loud. Say each thing three times. Then sit in the feeling of gratitude (versus thinking gratitude), thank whatever your higher power is, and you’re done. This is something that can be done every day and doesn’t take more than five minutes but can be instrumental in shifting your energy.

Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate it and even if it’s not that holiday where you are in the world, take some time to sit in gratitude for the abundance and blessings you do have. There are so many. It’s a necessary step to move forward. Lots of love!

A’ndrea is a Reiki Master and Holistic Fertility Specialist and more information can be found on her website fusionfertility.com

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Fertility 360

Rainbow Babies: Tips To Move Through The Joys, Fears And Tears Of Pregnancy After Loss

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Rainbow Babies

Congratulations! You’re pregnant! Everyone around you is excited except, perhaps, for you. Last time this happened and/or the time before that and/or the time before that, the pregnancy didn’t continue. You may have had a miscarriage, a stillbirth or a neonatal loss. You may have felt isolation, grief, anger.

In fact, you may have thought this pregnancy would resolve these feelings when, in fact, you’ve been noticing lately that they’re all still lurking in the background. To make matters worse, you may now be feeling petrified you’ll lose this baby too. Worry, fear and uncertainty are very commonly felt by pregnant people who’ve experienced a loss.

Here are some suggestions to help you move through the challenges and enjoy pregnancy again.

1) It was not your fault
Whatever happened last time, it was not your fault. Not all pregnancies are perfect. Not all births end up in live babies. You did your best. Shitty things happen. It was not your fault.

2) Choose the right health care provider
It’s normal to be emotionally vulnerable. It’s normal to feel anxiety. It’s normal to want a million extra appointments but then simultaneously feel like that high after your fourth ultrasound was too short-lived. It’s also normal to be happy.

Research suggests that pregnant people following a loss do better with care providers that respect their unique experiences. Most often, this can be found in a care provider that provides strong continuity. For some this is someone they’ve worked with in a previous pregnancy. Others prefer to start afresh. Good, consistent professional support that honours your individual experiences is not only important for your personal wellbeing but it also improves pregnancy outcomes.

3) Ask for what you need
After a loss, many people find the need for more personalised care to support them through their pregnancy and birth. If you think you need a more frequent schedule of visits for your own wellbeing, ask. If you want to know how to get reassurance in the middle of the night, ask. If you need them to start the appointment with a fetal heart rate check, ask. If you want an additional ultrasound for reassurance, ask. Take an active role in planning your pregnancy and birth. If you’re not finding your care providers responsive, ask to change to someone else. Research suggests that feeling a sense of control in your journey can help you enjoy your pregnancy again.

4) Build your community
After experiencing loss, it’s not uncommon to delay emotional involvement in a subsequent pregnancy and that’s okay. This is your pregnancy and your baby. You get to decide when you announce your pregnancy to the world. You get to decide how you feel about your baby. However, sometimes this valuable protective mechanism also deprives us of seeking necessary support. Many woman do not get adequate emotional and psychological support to deal with their feelings.

While you may be turning to your partner, he or she may also be processing the pregnancy differently, particularly at triggering times, for they are on their own journey of isolation, grief, anger. Bring those into your community who will be there for you when things are tough. Ask your care provider to connect you with someone who’s experienced loss. Consider seeing if there are any support groups in your area for folks who’ve had similar experiences to your own. Research suggests group support helps diminish feelings of isolation and allows for stronger relationships between partners moving forward.

5) Prepare for your rainbow baby
The vast majority of people who’ve experienced losses do go on to have healthy babies. We call them rainbow babies. For, they are the beautiful babies we welcome into the world after the storm that is loss. Just think: you’re pregnant with your rainbow baby! Find ways for you and your support people to celebrate milestones, even when you’re feeling fears to the contrary. Find ways to do the things that normalise, even if a bit of adaptation is necessary.

If you think you’d feel isolated attending a regular childbirth education class, sign up for a private one instead. Read positive books about pregnancy, childbirth and parenting. Do the silly things you always imagined you’d do. Be determined to maintain hope: your rainbow baby is on the horizon!

If you want to find more support you can contact Rishma via her website www.rishmawalji.com

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