How would YOU cope with IVF failure?

Although IVF success rates are improving all the time IVF failure can occur and it can often take a number of failed IVF cycles before a patient will see a successful outcome, if at all.

As someone who has experienced a failed IVF treatment cycle, as well as a cycle that ended in an early miscarriage, I know how devastating both outcomes can be.

In contrast to the minefield of information that exists on how to prepare for IVF treatment, there is very little to advise patients how to deal with a cycle that is not successful, and as a result, it can be a frightening and hopeless time for many people.

After potentially agonizing over the decision to pursue treatment in the first place, months of preparation, not to mention the physical and emotional side effects, it can be very difficult to accept that there will not be a baby at the end of it all.

Unless high-quality embryos have been frozen, which can be used for a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET), many people find themselves at a complete dead end. They are frightened to pursue further treatment, yet unable to accept that this could be the end of the road.

While many people who write about IVF failure tend to describe their initial devastation and their eventual triumph over it, very few actually write about the practical things they might have done to help them through that period of their lives.

Even though it is true that grief is a process that takes its own time, there are things that may help you to cope better with everyday life.

Some of the coping strategies I’ve outlined here are more relevant to those who do wish to pursue further IVF treatment, but others are applicable to everyone, regardless of the next steps.

The IVF Failure blame game

While some degree of anger is expected in the aftermath of an IVF failure try not to let it take over or it can be destructive.

When we found out that our first IVF cycle had failed we were completely and utterly blindsided. We had put all our faith and hope in IVF treatment and were convinced that it would work for us first time because we were young.

To find out that my IVF cycle had failed, and knowing that we had no frozen embryos with which to attempt a follow-up cycle, was unbelievably heartbreaking.

My immediate reaction was to find someone to blame. At first, I blamed the clinic, convinced it was their negligence somewhere along the line that had caused harm to our embryos. I reflected back on every conversation I had had with them, trying to find holes in their processes and signs of their incompetence.

Then, inevitably, I turned the blame on myself, analyzing every single move I made during the cycle and wondering what it was that I did to stop my embryos from implanting. Being unable to conceive naturally had already been a harsh prospect to come to terms with, but being unable to get pregnant through IVF made me feel more inadequate and more of an IVF failure than ever before.

However, I soon realized that the anger that I was feeling was not helping the situation. In fact, it was dragging me down further and preventing me from moving on in any capacity. In the end, I had to accept that it came down to choice. I could choose to let the failure of our cycles consume me or I could choose to try and move on.

1. Focus on the follow-up appointment

In the first few days, and possibly weeks, following a failed cycle it can be difficult to contemplate another IVF cycle, especially a fresh one. The grief can be so overwhelming that it’s impossible to fathom putting yourself in such a situation again.

About six weeks after a failed cycle, when emotions have settled down a little, clinics will typically schedule a follow-up appointment to review the cycle and try to understand where it might have gone wrong.

Try to hold out for this appointment and avoid making any definite decisions until you have talked to your doctor. You may find that there are changes that can be made to the protocols that might help your odds on a subsequent cycle.

There may also be further fertility investigations that can be done or new techniques that can be tried. However, if egg quality is the suspected cause of IVF failure, it is worth preparing for the possibility that treatment options that you had previously rejected, such as using donor eggs, may now be the best chance of success.

2. Understand why the failure of IVF occurred

Try not to leave your follow up appointment without ensuring you fully understand why your treatment may have failed. Many of the IVF patients I spoke to who experienced failed IVF cycles didn’t realise that there were signs throughout the cycle that their odds of success were low.

For example, if the fertilization rates were very low, or the quality of the embryos on transfer day was poor.

On our first cycle, my husband and I had a very low fertilization rate and didn’t make it to a day-five transfer.

However, we were so happy that we had an embryo to transfer that we didn’t really listen to or question what we were being told. Had we asked more questions along the way, and had realistic expectations, we may not have been so shocked by the outcome. Moreover, we didn’t really question why the treatment may have failed during our follow-up consultation, and so entered into the second cycle with exactly the same protocols.

3. Don’t rush into anything

When IVF fails it can feel as though you are back at square one. The backup plan has failed and it can feel like you’ve run out of options and there is no hope left.

Having probably spent many years trying to get pregnant naturally prior to attempting IVF treatment, many people feel as though they need to move on without wasting more time. In order to feel as though they are doing something to get over the IVF failure many rushes into a decision about what to do next.

Some will decide to close the door on IVF completely, and others leap straight into another cycle. In my experience, the immediate aftermath of a failed cycle is not the best time to make big decisions.

We started our second IVF cycle barely three months after finding out that our first had failed. On reflection, this was far too soon. I hadn’t allowed nearly enough time for my head, my heart, or my body to heal properly. I wanted to stop the pain, the anger, and the feelings of despair, and the only solution I could see was to get pregnant as soon as possible.

In hindsight, there is no question in my mind that we should have taken a long break to ensure that we were both in optimum condition, both physically and mentally, to withstand another cycle, but we were desperate to do something to alleviate the anguish and get out of that dreadful limbo.

The second IVF cycle was easier in some respects since we were no longer dealing with the unknown. However, we both found it more physically demanding, possibly because we were still so exhausted from the first cycle. Sadly, this cycle was also unsuccessful and ended in an early miscarriage.

Advice on how to handle a failed IVF cycle

4. Try to focus on what worked

Even if the ultimate outcome is negative, there will probably be plenty of aspects of the cycle that did go well. Try to focus on these as much as possible, especially if considering another IVF cycle in future.

Following our second cycle, I was continuously told by family and friends that I should focus on the fact that at least I could get pregnant. Initially, these comments infuriated me, as it felt as though no one really understood just how much we had invested to make it as far as a positive pregnancy test.

Acknowledging the short-lived pregnancy as a positive thing seemed futile. I couldn’t even contemplate the thought of trying IVF ever again – the pain was just too unbearable.

However, over time I started to realize that those people were right – there were positives to focus on, and I tried to gain strength from them. My body had overreacted to the stimulation medication, which may have compromised the egg quality, but this could be adjusted in a subsequent cycle, and although we had suffered a miscarriage one in four pregnancies ends this way, regardless of whether IVF was used or not. As bleak as things were, we had to acknowledge that there was still hope.

How would YOU cope with IVF failure?
Take an IVF break

5. Take an IVF break

In the aftermath of a failed IVF cycle, it is important to try and take as much time out to grieve and heal as you possibly can. If you haven’t taken time off work during treatment then you should try and take some time out afterwards.

Many people I have spoken to found that, although they had felt unable to talk to their employer about treatment while they were going through it when a cycle failed they found that they had no choice; going to work and putting on a brave face was impossible. They were grieving and needed time to mourn and come to terms with their loss before attempting to resume a normal life.

How would YOU cope with IVF failure?
Find a new distraction

6. Find a new distraction

After months of researching treatment options and preparing body and mind, not to mention constant appointments and tests at a fertility clinic, IVF may have started to feel like a full-time job. When it is over many people find themselves at a loose end. Without the joy of a pregnancy on which to focus, life can seem very empty all of a sudden, thus exacerbating the pain. If you feel up to it, try to find something entirely unrelated with which to distract yourself, such as a new activity or hobby.

What really helped me was to make a list of all the things I wanted to achieve in my life, whether I had children or not. It was essentially a bucket list that included all manner of activities, both big and small.

I started by ticking off the small things: eating in a restaurant I had always wanted to try and go to a museum I wanted to visit. The act of achieving a goal, no matter how small, and being able to tick something off my list made me feel stronger and more empowered.

7. Consider your treatment options

Before plunging ahead with a similar treatment plan, convincing yourself it was just bad luck that the first one failed, or before rejecting a new treatment plan that may seem extreme, spend time researching as much as you can. Many people make uninformed decisions about treatment only to regret it afterwards.

Talking openly to your doctors and to other patients who have been in your shoes can provide a new perspective. I have talked to many people who eventually became parents through a treatment option that they had initially rejected, so try not to close any doors before you have fully considered the options.

8. Maybe it’s time for some Fertility Counselling?

Just as counselling can offer invaluable help to ART patients before and during treatment, it can also offer support when it fails.

A number of people who have experienced IVF failure told me that they gained huge strength from attending counselling sessions. Counselling will be particularly helpful for those who are unsure of whether to pursue further treatment or not.

9. Look after your relationship

A failed IVF cycle can take a huge toll on those who are in relationships. Like all forms of grief the way each individual deals with the loss may be very different; this can lead to tension and even feelings of resentment between a couple.

Having gone through three IVF treatment cycles I can understand why so many relationships do not survive IVF failure. Day-to-day living whilst going through the process becomes extremely strained and the relationship itself can become less important than the goal of having a baby.

Difficult as it may be, try to spend time talking and understanding each other’s grief, and continue to make time for yourselves as a couple.

The above extract is taken from Five Million Born – An IVF Companion Guide by Anne-Marie Scully. It is available to buy now for Amazon Kindle for a special promotional price of just $1.99.

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I am the Co-Founder of Fertility Road and head up the editorial team and find time to write some of the content for our website.. 

19 thoughts on “How would YOU cope with IVF failure?”

  1. I’m glad I read this, I’m 1 week into my embryo transfer. Lots of mixed emotions not everyone understands. This puts it all into perspective Im trying to stay positive but fear that if it’s unsuccessful I will not cope well of our don’t half prepare myself for it.

  2. Thank you for this post, we just completed our first IVF FET, following an ectopic pregnancy earlier in the year. We are both younger than 35, and had no reason to believe the IVF wouldn’t work. We too had only 1 embryo from an egg retrieval where I showed 26 follices… and yesterday we received the news the IVF cycle did not work. Pretty devastated and heartbroken and trying desperately to understand what could have gone wrong, we followed every protocol and our clinic was extremely diligent in every possible detail to ensure success. Your post offered me comfort in knowing this is a journey.

  3. I am so glad that I read this article. We just went through a similar situation – we used donor eggs because of my age. We had four FE and I got pregnant the first time with IVF FET but miscarried at 6 weeks. Second attempt was a chemical pregnancy and so we transferred our last two FE during our third attempt and that failed as well. Now we have no more frozen embryos and it is the most devastating experience ever. I’m still mourning and trying not to blame my clinic or myself. This process is so expensive and there are no guarantees so. At this point we cannot afford to try again although we would dearly like to. The emotional roller coaster and the tears were/still are tremendous. It surely is good to know that we aren’t the only ones going through this. Good luck all and please pray for us

  4. I just got the news today that our transfer didn’t work….I’m not sure how to explain the grief and sadness I feel ….People said well at least iTs not a baby yet but in my head it was already my little boy —which I guess was premature. I’m trying to cope but all I can do is cry go numb and cry again. We’ve gone through 2 cycles and had to do PGD bc of a hereditary disease and I’m not sure where to go with this now….
    I know donor egg is a possibility but it’s not a part of me with my characteristics, etc as dumb as that sounds a part of me is finding it so hard to accept….where do I do from here my brain can’t even comprehend…..just heartbroken.
    I pray for all of you bc I do know the grief and hope it resolves for you!!

  5. Two days ago we found out that our 9th(!!) try failed.. 6 IVF rounds and 3 FETs. All of them great quality, all of the, in total, 14 embryo’s developing perfectly, an internal check showed nothing but “perfection” and yet after 2 years of trying they still won’t stick.. There is no reason according to the doctors. In the article above you talk about taking time to heal, not jumping in to the next round etc.. Unfortunately there isn’t always that option, due to age issues we have to continue right away, and have had to do so every time. I hope I’m just a quick healer or at least that the pain of all the failures will not interfere with the chance that one of these days the embryo will stick, as we have one more round of IVF with (hopefully) some blastocysts for the freezer before we have to go back to private treatment in another country again, with all the hassle and tension that brings. Will not give up though, not for a while yet.

  6. Hi NT
    i am so sorry for your news :(, I also have had 2 failed IVF cycles and i felt i had to comment regarding the donor egg.
    I also had this view but since looking into this further and researching, scientists have actually found that although the egg is not yours biologically, studies have found that characteristics have been known to form while carrying the baby via the placenta, so by you naturally carrying the baby, characteristics and genetics are shared, this is a lot to take in i know as i had the exact same thoughts as yourself but what this infomation did for me if nothing else was open my mind to options i had recently dismissed.

  7. A failed IVF feels like mourning the loss of a loved one. My husband and I found out yesterday the heartbreaking news and even knowing we had a 40% chance of a potential pregnancy, we prayed and hoped our miracle would come true. Besides the emotional part of it all, which is something only a person going through IVF can remotely understand, the financial aspect of it all is overwhelming and knowing that pursuing another cycle is not an option. This was our last ditch effort, due to age, and unfortunately it was a fail. We’re trying to deal, but my face is swollen from crying and it seems like even more commercials with babies are popping up during our greiving period… but I know that’s not the case;) I’m so sorry for all the pain everyone on this site has undergone, and I wish you all, in time find the peace you need to push forward.

  8. Dealing with IVF failure is hard! No one can prepare you for the heartache, devastation and hopelessness you feel. It’s a lonely road when all your friends around you fall pregnant and you battle to share in their joy. We have just gone through our 3rd failed IVF cycle. 1st cycle was fresh, second fet and 3rd natural fet. We had 6 5day blastocysts from our 1st egg retrieval, uterus lining was good and there is no explanation why implantation failed. We decided to jump straight back into it and transfer our last 2 frozen embryos, which will be in about 2 weeks time. I fear that we are jumping into the next cycle too quickly when I’m emotionally not ready, but at the same time hoping that this year will end off on a good note. It is a rollercoaster of emotions every single day!

  9. Hi all, I understand how hard this is. We went through 2 failed ivfs:
    First one of about 30 eggs retrieved, only 1 made it to blastocyst n transfered. Failed. Second one, about 20 retrieved, none suitable for transfer. Something stops them from developing between day 3 to 5.
    We got the news of the second one a week ago, I’m not coping, i go to work but just want to come back home to bed n cry.
    It’s the Sadness, the loss of money, energy n hope…

  10. We’ve just gone through our first IVF and failed, we had 6 eggs retrieved but no embryos lasted past day 2
    Being new to this and going straight into it after hearing we couldn’t conceive naturally was exciting and gave us hope. It’s so encouraging knowing your not the only ones. What a great post, I wish everyone the best x

  11. Sounds like I’m the same cycle as you, I know what your going through, it’s a sadness ive never felt.. today a friend came in and is pregnant I had to walk out of the office.. it’s very hard to come to terms with

  12. Hi my name is Karen and my husband and I are from nz we went through our first round of ivf in may this year we got a total of 8 eggs but only three were viable the first egg transplant failed and last week went back to try egg number 2 were told that the last 2 eggs had died the lady that told us was cordial at best said it was very very rare to happen but it does no one from the ivf clinic told us this could be a possibility then to add insult to injury had a message on my mobile one minute before our appointment asking me to call her back where did she think I wad going to be 1 min before my appointment had psyched myself up to go through with the egg procedure to then be blind sided with that info like all you wonderful women I have been so emotional and crying I feel so empty struggle to hear people talking about their kids and have to totally avoid pregnant people just can’t deal with that then I feel like a terrible person we will have one more attempt at ivf as can not afford another one I am in my early 40s did not meet my husband till late 30s I try to be positive and look for all the good things in my life but so desperately want to be a mum stay strong ladies my heart and thoughts go out to you all with love from new zealand

  13. Hi,
    I just lost my twins at week 5. Been devastated and just got news today that my doctor wants me to go through hysteroscopy to find out if there is an internal problem :-(. My sister in law is pregnant and everyone around me talks about their kids. I really feel like dying..:-( The whole process went on well, easy pick up, 5 good quality eggs and easy transfer. Dunno wat went wrong. Ate brazil nuts, drank pomegranate and ate cayenne pepper..but it all ended in one second. Cant take this devavstation, I totally understand u all as I am rowing on the same boat. Just devastated!

  14. Hi my husband and I lost our twin girls at 16 weeks in June 2016 after our first round of ICSI treatment. The hardest thing in our life, then in December 2016 we went through our 2nd round of treatment with a frozen embryo to find out it had failed 3 days before Christmas.
    Completely heartbroken. Feels so demanding on my body to keep going through everything but want it to eventually result in a positive.

  15. My husband and I have been trying for 3 years and just had our first failed IVF last week. I cried for 2 days straight as I truly thought I was pregnant during my 2ww, and I loved every moment. To me I was, regardless, as I saw them place that embryo in me and at that point it was my baby to carry and care for. So many emotions, and no one understands around me. I can’t tell people as we live in a small town and I don’t want to hear their opinions. I had to tell my boss why I couldn’t work and told her I had a miscarriage cause to me that’s how it feels, some people may not understand how we can’t distinguish the two. So now I’m a liar which bothers me too. The positive is hard to see right now, but we do have one more embryo to try to transfer in April, please say a prayer it works! I’m just scared cause we had 3 FE, the first thawed one didn’t make it, and the second(transferred)was not great but they have had similar ones that have resulted in pregnancy. I pray all of you find some peace!

  16. I’m so sorry for your loss. I feel like crawling in a whole after our failed attempt. I can not imagine a miscarriage after a round of IVF . When will this nightmare end is what I want to know? I just want the pain to go away, but I feel I’ll always have this emptiness in my heart.

  17. Grace, you are really a great mother-in-law. I’m sure she can already feel your support if you want more just tell the couple take as much time they need and no rush into anything. You can also provide distractions, tell her jokes, go shopping or to a movie, etc.
    I just had my 8th failed transfer during the 2nd IVF cycle, and a miscarriage 1year ago. When I told my mother-in-law there is no explanation for this since the blastocyst was PGS tested and my condition was also fine after checks. She asked me if it’s because I’ve took too much contraceptive pills before. I was shocked and deeply hurt, even though I know she didn’t mean to hurt me. -I wish people are more educated and be more compassionate like you Grace.

  18. This is my second transfer and it was a frozen transfer. First fresh transfer failed. Today I had blood work done so I will be finding out if the second time worked, but to be honest, I don’t feel any different than I did the first time and my gut is telling me this is yet another failed attempt. It truly is devastating. My close friends keep telling me to stay positive, but they don’t fully understand how emotionally and mentally draining this process is. The first failed attempt I had a feeling I wasn’t pregnant and this time doesn’t feel any different. To be honest, I don’t even know if you “feel a difference.” I’ve never been pregnant and I don’t know if there is any difference with conceiving naturally vs. IVF. Reading a lot of threads from different websites scares the crap out me with success stories NOT being so successful…this definitely takes a toll on you. My first failed attempt I was devastated. I didn’t think it would affect me since I had a feeling I wasn’t pregnant, but it hit me a day later and I fell under depression for weeks. I never realized how demanding this process was until I started, but I’m not one to give up easily. If you have any advice on this in general, diet, exercise, anything that would help, please feel free to reply. I wish everyone here who is struggling like the best of luck and only hope that your wishes will be answered. I have nothing but respect for the women who have gone through this, are still going through this, and those who will be starting.

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