Author note: I want you to read this article not for intellectual understanding not to find out something you don’t know but to read it whilst listening for a feeling within. There is information in the feeling.
‘Daddy, Daddy tell me it again!’ My friends’ son excitedly asked to hear the story again. I was feeling fine until I heard those words. Suddenly I felt sick. I was scared I may never hear someone call me Daddy.
We had a 10 year journey to conceiving our son. My wife was diagnosed with PCOS as a teenager and we knew we probably couldn’t have children. We thought we were OK with this and told ourselves we could foster and give love to children that needed it.
After going on a journey of healing herself more holistically my wife got her cycle and fertility for the first time. It was then we got in touch with our deep ache for wanting our own children. The ‘we will be OK, we can foster’ thinking had been a protection mechanism shielding us from pain and disappointment. After a year or so of being unsuccessful we knew something must be wrong. I had my first test. They were so bad the doctor asked whether I’d ever had radiology!
I tried all sorts of things to improve my results. Acupuncture, herbs, nutrition, baggy pants! A test five months later showed it had actually got worse.
I was then I gave up all hope. The clinic said ICSI was a possibility but even that wasn’t looking favourable with my results.
In the meantime my wife was grieving the possibility of having children. Part of her didn’t want to, she didn’t want to be the other side of the process, she thought it meant giving up the journey.
I realised I was hiding from my emotions for reasons such as wanting to be ‘the strong one’ for my wife and being scared the emotions I had been burying from the past. In my mind emotions were in a big bin with a brick on the lid to prevent them from getting out. That was the beginning of my journey to what I call ‘a place of peace without giving up.’ A place my wife had found on the other side of her emotional journey.
I went through a process reconnecting to my true self which lead to a realisation I can be happy and fulfilled with or without children and taking steps in creating a fulfilled life (e.g. resigning my job I wasn’t enjoying). Three months later my wife was pregnant naturally. A one in a million chance the doctors said. A test result soon after indicated my sperm had improved on all accounts dramatically.
Looking back we can see how much our minds played a role in the journey. I now work with women (and men) all over the world to have peace without giving up, to be happy now, and harness the power of the mind-body link to help them get pregnant whether through natural or assisted conception. When we are not at peace there is stress in our system which can unbalance delicate cocktail of hormone required for reproduction.
Here’s how you too can begin to get off the emotional roller-coaster and find peace without giving up.
Stop trying so hard
Trying to get pregnant can become the sole focus in life. Life becomes Project Baby. Searching for the nugget of information that may make all the difference becomes an obsession. Many of my clients have given up work to focus on their journey. Trying so hard is fueled by the fear of not getting pregnant. The thing is nothing can predict the future, not even your thinking.
Fear is future thinking. Your mind is creating a very plausible illusion of the future and you are forgetting it is made up. You are drawing a picture of a monster and then running out of the room screaming thinking it is real, forgotten you made it up.
When we get caught up in fear we lose clarity of mind and connection with our intuition. We do things out of fear of not doing them rather than because they are serving us at a deeper level. It’s not what we do, it’s why we do it. If you are doing things out of fear of not getting pregnant they may well be fueling that fear and actually not serving you in the long run.
I can look back and see how my test results got worse when I tried so hard to improve them. I was being driven by fear which was causing more damage than the things I was doing.
Your instinct is the best doctor, coach and friend you can have but our thinking drowns out that still calm voice of intuition within us. In moments of quiet you know what actions are right for you. Trust your instinct.
Let yourself be happy now
“I haven’t laughed as much for years” my client told me as she recounted the evening before with her sister. It made her acutely aware of how Project Baby had taken over her life. Our thinking tells us our happiness and wellbeing is dependent on external things, whether the new job, house or having a baby. ‘I’m OK if…’ or ‘I’m OK when’. For me my thinking told me I was OK if other people thought I was OK. This is the grand illusion of life. It is perpetuated by the media/advertising.
This fuels the fear of these things not happening so we live our lives in the future in our heads, trying to work out what to do to make it happen. When we are in the future in our heads we are not in the present moment. We are designed to live in the present moment, in reality, not the illusion of ‘reality’ in our heads.
When we come back to the now we reconnect to our true selves. Happiness exists in the now. It doesn’t mean you don’t have goals and aspirations, it means your happiness and wellbeing is not dependent on them, they are preferences rather than needs.
When you are in the present moment you connect to your innate wellbeing and you don’t have any wellbeing needs. You can be happy now.
Understand where your feelings come from
The biggest misunderstanding in life is we are feeling anything other than our thinking in the moment. When we have a feeling we think it is due to our circumstances. The job makes us stressed. The lack of money makes us fearful. Nothing has the power to make you feel anything. You live in the experience of your thinking, nothing else. This is why some days feel better than others. Our circumstances haven’t changed, it is our thinking about them that has.
The thing is, thinking comes and goes. Thinking is not real, it is our made up future in our head or thinking about the past that doesn’t exist anymore.
If you would like help finding this peace of mind I am offering 5 readers of My Fertility Specialist an hours coaching call to help you on your journey.